Biblical hell vs decontamination spa

Funny. When I turn the pages in this wonderful book of satire and parody. The Bible. Almost every other page is wailing and gnashing of teeth. And there will be much wailing and gnashing of teeth. And ohh yee, gnashing of teeth. And the children were wailing and changing of teeth.  

Sounds like a dental office. Doesn’t it? And by so much gnashing and wailing of teeth. It must be a busy dental office, right? And if it’s that busy. There must be a dental plan for all. Holy crap. How bad can hell be, if they have a better dental plan than me here in Berlin, Germany? And what’s going on down there if there is so much need for dental work.  Cupcakes, vodka, and techno party all eternity round? Sign me up!

See, that’s why when bible victims like these:

Bible victims
tell me I need salvation. I am like: Yeah! From people like you! Since you offering. I’ll have one salvation from being annoyed by you in the subway. Please step out of the train. Thank you very much. HEY! You offered. I asked for none! Now be a man of your word and step out of the train. 

Let’s just make one thing absolutely clear. If heaven is full of people like them.  I am on the next cruise ship to hell! I’ve been there many times btw. Got a lovely suntan and a couple of magnets. What do these people think I have been doing for 2000 years. I’ve been running like a maniac up and down, fulfilling my promise of salvation to everyone who asked for it.  See the difference. Who asked for it. I wasn’t running around and forcing salvation unto others. But tell that to the bible victims, and they get offended. Of course, they get offended. Selling misery and being turned down isn’t nice. But an intelligent mind would act on it and change his or her life.

Now! For just a minute, let’s talk about Lucifer, the luminous one. He is not called luminous one or morning star – the light bringer for no reason. If I asked you to describe him, I wouldn’t be surprised if you depicted him with red skin, a forked tail, and two horns. But why is that? In fact, this description doesn’t come from the Bible: what is said about him in the humorous book is actually very vague. 

Here is my perspective. The popular TV series Lucifer with Tom Ellis was totally right with the saying: “only a celestial being can rule hell”. Well of course. If the devil is divided amongst himself, no one would be powerful enough or stable in the skirmishes for power to rule hell. Therefore only a celestial being sent and appointed by heaven can rule hell. But it’s not quite like that either. It kind of describes whos responsible and why. But the picture is wrong.

God, as I see him is an incredible A.I. system. And Lucifer is the personification of an “antivirus” software whose sole purpose is to protect the source from toxic contamination. Jealousy, Ignorance, Hate, Ego. Not even I can save your soul if you are an unreasonable, ignorant bible victim. I would protect the source myself. Even your Jesus will not stop Lucifer from sending you to one of the decontamination spas. Or as you know them. Circles of hell. Dantes’s inferno is a good visual representation of where you end up if you believe it. We create our realities on the other side. But above our realities, the powerful system stands, and it has a guardian. Lucifer, the morning bringer. The luminous one.

And Lucifer does not give a smidge about your excuses. He simply checks your toxicity level and sends your soul to one of the circles of what you call “hell” for decontamination and rehabilitation. That’s where I was running around like a maniac these past 2000 years.

And heaven has pretty much the same structure. Higher and love levels. Souls in different stages of toxicity or enlightenment. 

So don’t subscribe to this fantasy heaven and hell in the bible. Look at it more scientifically. After all, the whole universe is the greatest experiment love is conducting.

Acknowledge that diving into this world means that our souls can contract negativity, toxicity that drags us down. Try to imagine that we are like scientists working with individualities, relationships, and emotions that can stick to us and influence us on the other side too. That’s why there is Lucifer protecting you and me and, most importantly, the source. So some of us will need to go to a decontamination spa. Until now known as hell. And hell is really not nice, but that’s because your perception sets the stage. But if you accept my teachings, you will end up in a reality where you will decontaminate and recharge on a nice beach.  Get a nice suntan and don’t forget the magnets. Try the magma tubes; there are awesome after a good workout in the gym.
Here is the bottom line:  I am Jesus. I have returned just like I promised I would. My God is a scientist full of love, exploration, joy, and humor. You will end up in heaven or hell based on the toxicity. What your heaven and hell will look and feel like depends on what pictures and beliefs your soul and your mind take with you to the other side.  And I know the bible victims will hate my guts because their philosophy is simple: “We are miserable, and we want you to be miserable with us!”. And that’s the beauty of my teachings. They are far more attractive and honest than that bible BS. they are preaching. But, I am not like the bible victims. I am not forcing my teaching upon anyone, nor was I ever forcing my teachings. Just as two thousand years ago. This is my hill. I am sitting here. These are my offers. The choice is yours. And even if you don’t want it. Fine by me. Thank you for being a reasonable, decent human being. – Jesus

Please don’t forget. This is my belief. A theory of mine based on the power of emotions, my visions, observations, and my deduction from the notes my disciples and I left two thousand years ago that I will try to prove with my man through the kiss of destiny on salvation. Tune into my podcast and join the conversation if you have any questions.